We were in the boss’s living room and were about to have a leadership team retreat. Just 7 people on this health services team. I love these cozy, informal-feeling retreats.

The topic to address was feedback.

They wanted to create a culture of feedback seeking, and they were concerned that so many of their staff seemed defensive when receiving feedback, and then some would gossip about it; lots of indirect communication.

I asked 2 questions. Do you give more positive or constructive feedback? “Well, isn’t feedback to help people change?” they said. I explained Gottman’s 5:1 rule and shared that if we don’t give 5x the amount of positives, then we are depleting emotional bank accounts and creating teams who shy away from feedback.

I then asked how much feedback they ask for. They thought I was confused, trying to clarify that they were talking about the staff, not them. (You see the issue.)

If they wanted to have a feedback-seeking culture, they needed to model it.

Then there is the quality of the questions. When we ask questions like: what am I doing well, what could I work on, or how could I support you best, those are C-level questions. Generic questions often yield generic answers.

So I framed up the exercise. “Look around the room and think of someone here that you’d like to ask for feedback from. Not roleplay, but real play. 1 person tried to refuse. “I’m not doing this,” she said. There were lots of feelings. Thankfully, I was able to talk to her and change her mind. I still remember a specific question that was asked; it made a big impact on me. First, they got to work by writing their questions, and then asked each other.

One of my greatest skills is eavesdropping, so I heard all of it. The one said with tears in her eyes, “I fear that you think that I think that my department is better than yours. Is that true?”

I don’t even remember the answer, but what I do remember is that I thought: “That’s what bravery looks like.”

Do you have a feedback-seeking culture?